Who rescued us from freedom in May 2012
Edict Five: Henceforth, a planetary slogan shall be created so that alien species will, with one succinct phrase, understand our culture when arriving to steal our resources. After due consideration and much input collected from The Fangirl Army, our planetary slogan shall henceforth be "U mad, Bro? I do what I want!" As they have squandered the resources on their planets, I feel this is an appropriate response.
Edict Six: As most of you know, magic provides me the ability to shapeshift. During one such occurrence, My Royalness shapeshifted into a mare, became impregnated, and gave birth to one of my sons, whom I named Sleipnir. We are immensely proud of our son. Therefore, it pleases the royal eyes to read fanfiction in which My Benevolence dominates numerous members of the Avengers sexually. We are on the fence about fanfiction depicting My Awesomeness engaging in such activities with The Being Formerly Known As Thor. Do continue writing the former. I will not outlaw the latter, as I approve of your devotion.
Edict Seven: Parsnips, okra, and asparagus are hereby abolished from the planet. Kill them with fire.
Edict Eight: The Defense of Marriage Act has been outlawed. Henceforth, everyone can marry everyone. Several everyones can be marry several everyones for all I care. The Royal Perfectness has deemed it so, as he doesn't care who marries who as long as this nonsense and infighting stops. What is good for My Benevolence is good for my people.
A Message From Your Sovereign Lord
We are told The Fangirl Army has reached record membership. This pleases us. Beginning next month, there will be monthly contests in which members of The Fangirl Army (my secretary tells me this takes too long to type, so it shall be denoted by the acronym TFA) may register to participate in contests to prove their love for me. These contests shall include mind games, word games, contests of strength etc etc. Each month, the highest winner shall be blessed by My Uberness to spend a week as my personal assistant. More information will be provided on the official TFA website, which I'm told is www-dot-lokisminions-dot-com. That is all.
Honor me. Love me. Worship at my feet, and I will look upon you as my children.
Things You Never Thought You'd Hear
"The Hobbit is totally a rip-off of Lord of the Rings. It has the same old grey-haired wizard guy!"
"I really do prefer the Bane from Batman and Robin."
"I'm seriously thinking about moving to North Korea!"
"Iguana tap that, but I have a reptile dysfunction."